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Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle……No

So RAG week is nearly upon us again. It’s that time of the year where all inhibitions, studious intentions, lecture attendance, money and some pants go out the window. Lecturers will tell you “We will be having class on RAG week” and you will quietly think “YOU will be having class on RAG week. I will be drunk.”

You can make all the excuses you like but you know full well you will be doing sweet shag all on RAG week except filling yourself full of things your Doctor doesn’t approve of.

It is at this time of the year though, that the age old Pub Vs Club debate  has even more weight attached to it. With the added RAG-week-y-ness attached to going to a Club over the Pub for the night there is no better time to drag this one out in to the open than now.

Now, personally I have found that in my old age I have begun to drift more and more towards the Pub over the Club night. There are many reasons for this, not least of which is I am a lazy b*ll*cks and I appreciate a good sit. But the Club has its benefits too, like being able to act the knob on the dance floor without drawing the attention of the WHOLE place at least and the generally increased acceptance of doing dump-truck amounts of jager shot by shot.

The pub

The pub is fantastic! Everyone knows that. It’s the default place to go whenever you think of “out” in any description. It usually has a part to play even in club nights. So, why spend the whole night there?

Well the primary argument revolves around comfort and relaxation. Pubs still have music and some even have mini dance floors if you have the sudden irrepressible urge to bust a move, but they also have chairs, booths, stools, places to park your arse. Your arse is DELIGHTED! Your friends are there, drink is there, your arse is happy, could you ask for much more?

This point is also crucial for girls because, considering how much you complain and suffer just walking to town in high heels, I can’t imagine they’re any nicer to try to dance in. The fact that you can even dance in them at all without needing some kind of ankle supports is beyond me. Honestly, I can’t even imagine walking in them without needing one of those poles tightrope-walkers use so they don’t fall off and die. So I think the occasional seat would be appreciated, right?

Tight-rope walker

To the Pub!

But even if you don’t  sit the pub still has some major benefits over the club. All around it’s just a more relaxed atmosphere. It’s not exactly a picturesque beach in the Caribbean with monkeys handing you cocktails mixed in coconuts (with the tiny umbrellas) but if it was we wouldn’t have an argument here! It’s a pub. It’s in Ireland. It’s there to get you drunk and merry in a happy-face-like atmosphere and it does a damn good job of doing it!

All around you have more choice of activities in a pub. (Depending on the pub itself really but if you go to a sh*te pub it’s your own shaggin’ fault for not knowing your pubs. Dumbass)
There’s a dance floor and music if you want to dance, there’s drink should you want to drink, there’s seats if you want to sit, the music isn’t too loud if you want to have the chats/the bants/an argument/ a yodel…or whatever you prefer to do with your voice and there’s a smoking room if you want to smoke (or just break your lungs with some lovely second-hand smoke). Wonderful!
Many of them even have food right there for you if you want to eat!

And this is before we EVER get in to all the additional activities:

  • Darts: what better way to spend your night than being encouraged to loosen your grasp on reality with alcohol and throw sharp, pointy things at the wall!
  • Snooker or Pool: Here drunk person, take this rather large stick and swing it about there…try really hard to poke those balls as accurately as you can and feel free to draw all the innuendo you can out of it!
  • Fusball: Take this small ball, put it on this table and flail wildly at the twirly bars while you try to essentially batter the ball in to the goals at either end of the little fake pitch with no poise or grace what-so-ever. Also, shout. Shout really really loud at tiny plastic men.
  • Beer Pong: Because just drinking a beer isn’t enough fun for you.
  • Table Tennis: A game of speed, agility and skill. Nothing could possibly go wrong when you do this drunk.
  • Shuffleboard: Yes, I’ve seen this in bars. I’ve never played it (sober or drunk) but by god some night I will!

The Club

The club argument won’t be as long, mainly because there is no additional activities like darts and stuff (but also because I really couldn’t be arsed). This is usually because a packed, dark room with disorientating loud music, strobe lighting and a gaggle of drunk people stumbling about makes throwing pointy objects a hilarious, but very bad idea.

So what are the plus points of the club?
Well there are few points but they can be big.

Firstly there’s the buzz. It’s a completely different kind of atmosphere in the club. Being very drunk is a lot more acceptable. Doing stupid things is a lot more acceptable. Dancing like a bandy-legged weirdo is a lot more acceptable. Shots are a lot more acceptable (which leads to all the other things being a lot more acceptable).

Going to a club with a big group of friends is great craic. Although your activities may be shortened to just drinking, dancing or smoking there’s also the potential to just go wander between all three. And everyone enjoys a good wander. It’s where all the best stories come from!

Then there’s that point you meet a friend you didn’t expect to see out. No words may be spoken (or at least no words may be heard). What you usually get is a look, a point and a shout of “Waaaaayyyyyy!”. Followed by shoving your way to each other…and then the mandatory shots.

Gary Neville

OMFG! Is that Rio!?...SHOOOOTTTS!

The biggest draw of the club tho is simple….The shift.
The club is where the shift lives. For all those who seek it, this is where it is to be found most freely, and occasionally by accident (Shifts may lead to other things but those don’t usually happen in the club and if they do, well, you’re just classy as f**k aren’t ya?)

The reason the shift lives in the club is because this is where EVERYONE goes for the one of the last portions of their night when they are the most drunk. Particularly on RAG week. Everyone + RAG week x Alcohol = Shifts. It’s science.

This is the Club’s trump card for many people, and these many people usually constitute “Everyone”, the answer you’re given when you ask “who’s going clubbing?”
This leads those not looking for the shift to follow their shift-hunting amigos to the club which leads to EVERYONE actually being there.
And so the club tricks you in to believing that it IS where everyone goes. Because, well…it is.

So, Pub or Club?

Well I’m always partial to a Pub where-as I only sometimes really want to go clubbing. The club has it’s plus points, and there are nights when I’m just in a mood for a club, but for me, if I had to pick one of the two to only ever go to for the rest of my days (or at least the days when I’m still young enough to go clubbing and not be referred to as “The Pervert”) then I would have to pick  the pub. Maybe first year me might have answered that question “Gorbyyyyyssssss!!!” (a night club in Cork for those of you who don’t know) but slightly older and apparently more tired me says pub.

And here’s why:
I have friends now. I want to go out with them on a night out, not get lost somewhere (although that is fun occasionally).  I want to be able to talk to them, not shout at them or be forced to try to communicate through some kind of interpretive dance.
When I meet new people out I can have a laugh with them, have a drink with them and have the chats. Much better than, having asked six times, eventually settling that their name must actually be “Arrflarrr” and simply nodding and smiling before shouting something incoherent and leaving (while they too nod and smile).
If you meet someone you like you can actually talk to them and give an actual impression of yourself instead of shouting directly at their eardrum. No one looks attractive while shouting, no one. And if you do, you’re probably some shovel of a person when you’re not shouting. So that doesn’t really work either.
Your other choice? Walk up behind the target of your affection and grind them in to submission. Not ideal. Not even a good idea. And a sure fire way to get some smack in the nuts.
Fact: For every guy who gets a girl through sheer grinding, 16 get smacked in the nuts.
Plus, no one has ever answered the question “Daddy, how did you and Mommy meet?” with “Well son,  I spotted your Mother in a club and she was langerated. So I just went over to her and ground all up on her junk. It was love.”
And when it comes to RAG week clubs are just jointed. So multiply all these things by ten and add in taking YEARS to get a drink”.

Grind

This is me and your Mommy. Look at ma' b*tch go!

So, where are you going this RAG week, pub or club?

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24 Responses to “Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle……No”

  1. Great blog post, very funny especially the “Arrflarrr” part, I almost died of laughter!

  2. I’ve always been pro club, I was the person in the pub trying to get everyone to head to Redz/Classic/Havannas….but I think I’m definitely becoming a pub girl…
    My age, laziness(you’re right – the shoes are a killer), impatience and cheapness are to blame I think.
    Well, at least I want to be a pub girl – my drunken urge to dance usually wins and it’s off to Havannas I go 😦

    • Ya drunken urges to dance, whilst normal in a club setting, make you look a bit like a lunatic in Pubs. Although I must say some pubs have ample dancing room and plenty drunks to accompany you to the dance floor. Maybe this is your solution.

  3. Never choose reardens because you will end up in havanas! Cork needs better clubs or better options than being shoved around and elbowed by hundreds of messy teenagers. Bodega or the Bowery are great calls – kind of pub meets club feeling about them!

    • Once you learn to control your desire to head upstairs Riordans isn’t a bad call. It can be a good night out and does have a dance floor. Key thing to it though is not only do you have to control yourself but the friends you came with too. And that’s difficult.

  4. The image of you trying to communicate something through interpretative dance is one that will stay with me for the rest of my days. That is all.

  5. God we are getting old!!! I totally agree though, pubs are winning out these days, although you can not beat a good boogie on the dance floor in a club!! Also, thanks for recognizing and thinking of us girls in our ridiculous shoes, much appreciated!

    • No problem. Having helped a few of you to walk to the taxi in my time (and had my toes broken in the process by a stray step from a heel) I can take pity on yer pain.
      And ya, it’s a bit sad we’re this old already right?

  6. We are definitely getting old, give me the pub any day of the week at least you can talk to people then. Great blog, very funny

  7. I have to say I’m liking pubs more and more. I’m generally always up for clubbing though. I mean who can resist making an absolute idiot out of yourself to music after a few drinks? What I really dislike is really loud music pubs though. It’s like the worst of both worlds.

  8. Great blog! A happy medium suits me just fine. The club would be nothin without the craic in the pub beforehand!!

  9. The pub is god spot but its hard not to find yourself in a club by the end of the night. During the week the only late bar people really go to is Reardons and once your in there your trapped. You see a queue going upstairs to the club and then you think to yourself it must be good craic up there and before you know it your walking towards that kiosk.

    • Far too true. The odd night might be spent in the Bailey but that gets so packed you may as well be in a club. And then there’s always that one person in your group who wants to go clubbing. You’re shagged then coz the rest will follow and then so do you.

  10. Excellent post! Very well summed up and articulate! It was one of those articles that makes you stop and think; hang on, have I done that?! Yep, I sure have!!; I particularly liked the part about mandatory shots at the bar- even though they can be most random also, where communication/recognition/ familiarity/ notoriety/interaction etc.;regardless of how well you know someone; has no boundaries!!
    Keep up the good work with the blog, looking forward to the next post!

  11. I feel old…Funny stuff!!


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